Hey to all those that still continue to read my blog.

Thanks for hurting me.
I considered you guys my friends, my brothers, my love ones and yet you all can just hurt me like that. Thank you.

I deserve that kind of pain after what I put you through. But whenever there is a mess to be cleared, you could always count on me. Even when we had a clash that time cause of hari raya at man's house, I apologised to you guys.

Past is the past, but not one of you, NOT A SINGLE ONE, said sorry for hurting me. Maybe it was my fault. I should have let them enjoy and get myself more hurt. But I wonder would they feel guilty.

And today while sms-ing, someone tells me they slacking at zul's block. wow. Can't believe they hurt me and he still can go there without telling me and be with them. He prefers them over me, prioritize them before me. I'm sad. Very very sad.

But I should change. Shouldn't spoil his mood. Best to hold everything in and shield everything away. I shouldn't burden him with my problems. Best to depend on the few friends I have left. Since the ones I thought to be my family hurt me so badly that until now I still cry and can't forgive them, especially him.

I'm going to isolate myself from them, from him, from the world. I don't want anymore pain. I got to cut everything away again. I know. I'm being a coward again. But better to throw everything away than to continue and make yourself crumble. Even now the pain is still there and hopefully I can be as cold-hearted before I learned to love. Love really is painful, especially the ones who hurt you is sided by the one you love.

I'm really alone. Congratulations Sangeetha. Your worse nightmare has come true.

Just went to facebook. Guess what I see. Halloween photos. Nice. Really. And when someone already know I FUCKING NOT HAPPY still got the cheek take photo. Haix. It's making me upset greatly. It's 5am and I haven't received any word from him for two hours. Don't bother him.

I'm going to bath and then head out for a walk to clear my head. Hopefully I can find a place to watch the scenery, that would be great. Cause I'm boiling now so bad I feel I might do something crazy. Here's another thing. I turned off my phone cause I don't want to wait for his sms anymore. Drove me crazy.

A person can be good, have great goals, a happy life and a positive personality. But no one is perfect. Even the most perfect person has a flaw. No one's perfect because everyone has fear and emotions.

The most perfect person no matter how good always has a fear. Some people overcome it, and some are consume by it. People who overcome it become strong. But people who become consume will stray the path of righteousness. They will be mentally and physically challenged, they will find all sorts of ways to overcoming the pain of allowing the fear to overtake them. Cutting, suicide, drinking, smoking, flings, isolation, pretending, taking on a different personality. But one thing is common among these people. They will cry. Tears will be shed. And when tears are shed, pain is evident. Only way to deter the pain is too apply more pain from something else. It's much more comforting that way.

Everyone has a way to coomfort themselves. It's the world that decides which is good and bad. That's why people look down on cutters but think playboys are ok.

Yesterday after tonning at sengkang cause baby V need to study maths for his o levels, we went back to wash up and then met at outram to go lavender, where I went to make my IC. FYI, i lost my ic. Not sure where it's going to return to me. After tthat we went to dhoby ghaut to eat and sign up for starhub services. I signed up for my mum the scv services and I got a house phone and a new handphone, new line included. =)

Darling very funny! He like keep asking a lot of questions until the person like caught off guard. Think we were there about two hours. but I'm glad that baby was there. We found out about promotions that made things cheaper and found out about hidden costs and all that. LOL. Now I'm a hub club member so I'm entitled to discounts. The funniest question was that darling went to ask if boyfriend can apply for discount. HAHA. Cute ar. Then after signing up we went to walk around in Plaza Singapura. Then he said he wanted to buy perfume, I drag him into Sasa.

Another funny moment! He like stood at the entrance and scared to go in. I was still holding his hand and had to pull him in. He like ask, "Why are there so many girls?" Think he scared to go into a girl shop. Cute! But in the end he came in, then we all sell perfumes here and there. LOL. He did buy something in the end. Then we went around looking for some 3 quarters for him. Coudln't find anything. Then we went to the body shop where we were smelling massage oils. The sales person like no expression.Nevermind. Then he like keep looking at the bottles and see got what medicine or chemicals in side. -.- That's what you get when you love a doctor i guess.

After making our purchase, I pulled him over to the LOVE ETC perfume section. Then I sprayed some on the paper then he smell. Instantly he's face lit up! Haha so cute. Then i told him i wanted to get that one. HE said it smelled of buttercookies or something. Then while i went to buy drinks at 7 eleven, he like kept smelling it. He really loved the scent. Surely he would love it if I wore it as well. =)

Baby! I had fun yesterday! Happy Anniversary! Muacks! Love you big time!

Today was my first taste of working so hard at my internship that time flew by really fast. But I'm really beat. I'm working on my project right now before relaxing and getting some sleep. My sweetheart is currently in bangkok. I hope he's having a good time. He really needs it after all. My colleagues (ngee ann interns) asked why I was going home earlier, they have become so used to me always going to meet my honey that they were shocked. LOL. Really not much to say, just that I feel I should post up the videos I promised. Haha. I hope this blog lives on forever, and so do everyone. Then we could look back into our days and see all the stupid things we've done. Haha

JAMMING: BLINK 182 - DAMMIT


VSHAL KUMAR VS LUQMAN HAKIM


TO TON, OR NOT TO TON.... THAT IS THE QUESTION!

Seriously. Something is wrong with me. I've changed a lot. I know that. And it sucks. It's like I'm back to square one. I'm doing a self analysis of the various things that have happen. Now that I think of it. it's been so long since I've last blogged. A lot of things to reflect on and post about. Let's see.

Recently I just started my internship. Having lunch with the interns and trying my best to excel. Trying to balance my time with work and the guys. I'm wondering also what problems do I have. I mean, other than money problems, I should be happy. Why am I getting so upset and suicidal lately? It really has no meaning. I'm sensitive to everything everyone does. I feel I really lost myself. I used to be this tom-boyish, heck-care, fuck-care person who like ignored the small details. Now I'm this over-sensitive bitch. Crap. Now I think about it, I used to criticise girls like that.

Shit. What a fucking hypocrite I have become. Ok, time to back-track. What are the things that used to make me happy and what makes me happy now? I used to be happy planning stuff and bossing people about, making mischief and bullying people. I used to ignore problems at home when I'm outside and not to dwell on it cause it's depressing to my life. Talk about shortening one's life. Oh and what makes me happy now is definitely my darling. I'm happy now that I have no one asking me for money almost everyday and I live near my working place. I enjoy going out as a group and being lovey dovey with my baby.

I don't enjoy teasing people anymore, I noticed. My mood totally changed. I got to suck it up. I also wonder if it's cause of me the current soccer team like split. I mean before all of us used to get together and have fun but now like....just different. Am I really a bad omen to everyone that associates with me?

I really want my old self back. Maybe the reason why I could always be patient and not be sensitive over every little thing is that I usually resolve myself never to fight back. I used to never fight back against anyone I cared about, but now I feel like a real bitch. I think I really mistreat the ones that care about me the most. I think I have no pride, and no self-esteem. Things that have been happening have hurt me greatly. And sometimes it's hard to get back on track. One example is the major project in my school. I can't believe how things turned out that way. What a fucked up. It's so hard to adjust when things are moving so rapidly. I guess I'm not the type to adjust accordingly to extreme changes.

But now I'm living in my own house where I have my own cupboard and bed and clothes and freedom. I feel so comforted now and at ease as I'm writing this post. I feel light and airy. I shouldn't feel resentful or revengeful. I shouldn't be demanding or expectant. I shouldn't be selfish or jealous. I should always be accommodating to not only him or me but for everyone else. It should be like that. I should be who I was, to give myself and make others happy. I shouldn't expect people to make me happy. i shouldn't be greedy. The more greedy you are, the more unhappy you'll be.

Got to go!

Am I selfish?

That's one question I would like to know. I don't know. I'm contemplating right now. I mean I want a lot of things but even honesty has its limits. I mean after all, a person has enough problems up their sleeves already and telling them what I want will only stress the person out right? But then there will be times where I have to hide things, so does that mean for the sake of someone else I have to forsake honesty?

They say in everything, there is always give and take and sometimes sacrifice. Have I sacrificed anything? Have I given anything? I'm starting to doubt myself again. I don't know. I want some things but I'm afraid I'll make a big fuss of it and then cause stress to the people I care about. So is it better to keep silent and not say anything about it?

I'm really conflicted about this.